Blazing a trail!

July 18, 2008

The Generalissimo’s been quiet lately, but that’s just because I’ve been trying to contain the biggest secret ever!!!

But now that the NHL has released the schedule, I can share the BIG NEWS!  THE GENERALISSIMO IS COMING TO  THE IRON CURTAIN BABY!

And here’s a little secret – the NHL set up this schedule because it knows the poor people of Czechoslovkia love their hockey…and especially The Generalissimo! I’m told by Barny that the NHL specifically wanted the NYR to make the trip because market research shows that the Czechoslovakians are willing to pay upwards of $50 a ticket to see me work my team-building magic!  I’m also told that $50 is like 6 months salary for these people!  Can you imagine living on less than $5 million a year?  The Generalissimo can’t!

Hopefully, you will all get a better understanding of why I had to let Jagr go now.  It wasn’t just his outrageous contract demands and ridicuous requests to be treated like a player who scored 646 goals, 953 assists, won two Stanley Cups, one Hart Trophy, five Art Ross Trophies and hold NHL records of 15 straight 30 goal and 70 point seasons.   The Generalissimo didn’t want to have anything to distract from his trip bringing democracy to the Soviet bloc!

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Oh you handsome devil

July 8, 2008

In case you haven’t heard, I hired Mike Barnett to be the “Senior Advisor to the President and General Manager and Director of U.S. Amateur Scouting.”  How’s that for a job title?  Yeah I thought it was pretty snazzy myself.

The press release from the team is all well and good, but the purpose of this blog is to give you, the diehard fan, the inside scoop.  First of all, look at this guy:

that\'s one fine looking man specimen

C’mon, even a guy has to admit – he’s easy on the eyes.   And I know he can roll with The Generalissimo’s crew, cuz Mike and I go way back to the 80s.

So it was real easy to come to terms.  So easy, in fact, that I’ve copied and pasted the actual email correspondence between Mike and me discussing the job:

From: generalissimo@nyr.com
To:  thankgodfor99@sexy80shairdos.com
Subject:  Awesome round at Legacy
Date:  July 5, 2008

Barney – You totally missed an awesome round on Friday.  Weather was great, the stogies were smokin (get it?) and Burkie and Lowesy were going back and forth about who could get Gary to respond first.  For winning, Lowesy is going to get Neidermayer (the bad one), a 2nd round pick in 2010 and some Czechoslovakian teenager with “soft hands”, if you get my drift.

Anyway, hope you had a good 4th burning some of that money Gretz paid you to get him out of Edmonton in ’88.  Drop me a line when you get a chance – I have a job offer for you cuz Jimmy D wants me to pad my staff so he can claim bigger expenses on his financials and justify raising tickets again.  You’d think the Redden/Rosival signings were enough LOL!

From: thankgodfor99@sexy80shairdos.com
 To: generalissimo@nyr.com
 Subject:  Re: Awesome round at Legacy
Date:  July 5, 2008

Slats:  So mad I missed it.  But you know how hard it is to get me from my weekly tanning appointment!  Anyway, I’m down with whatever you want me to do.   How about something like “Senior Advisor to the President?”  Sounds vague enough to confuse people into thinking I have something to actually do, and “Senior” means I deserve a higher salary.

BTW, love how you call it “Czechoslovakia” like its still one country.

From: generalissimo@nyr.com
To:  thankgodfor99@sexy80shairdos.com
Subject:  Re: Re: Awesome round at Legacy
Date:  July 5, 2008

Barney – that’s a great title.  But I was also thinking of throwing you in charge of “U.S. Amateur Scouting.”  Scouting golf courses that is LOL!

PS  – What happened to Czechoslovakia?

From: thankgodfor99@sexy80shairdos.com
 To: generalissimo@nyr.com
 Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Awesome round at Legacy
Date:  July 5, 2008

ROFLMAO.  That is totally up my alley.  Make it “US Amateur Scouting” so I can check out the strip clubs too, and Jimmy D’s got himself a new overpaid and underperforming employee!

From: generalissimo@nyr.com
To:  thankgodfor99@sexy80shairdos.com
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Re: Awesome round at Legacy
Date:  July 5, 2008

Done.  We’ll sign the paperwork at Batusrol next tuesday.

PS – no I’m serious what happened to Czechoslovakia?

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What’s a Mara with your face?

July 5, 2008

Silly Jagr trying to steal the headlines.  But The Generalissimo knows how to make a splash.  Paul Mara, one year, $1.95 mil. BAM! Put that in your cigar and smoke it!

Sure, my coach doesn’t seem to particularly like him.

Sure, he didn’t add anything to the power play, which is supposedly his specialty.

Sure, he had his worst year offensively of his career.

But he wanted to be here, he was willing to take a pay cut.

He accepted The Generalissimo’s terms, so I won.

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Bring out the Welcome Mats!

July 4, 2008

I need to clarify one thing from my quote the other day, when I explained how the NHL isn’t a league for 35-and-older guys anymore.  What the papers didn’t include was what I meant to say – that the NHL isn’t a league for 35-and-older Czechs.  I’m all for 35-and-older Swedes like Mats Naslund.  I’ve been trying to sign Mats since the mid-80s, when he would have fit in perfect with the Oilers.  (Ultimately, I had to settle for Petr Klima – another small European with a funny helmet).

Wait…its Markus Naslund?  Ohhhhh.  Well, I just checked, and he just turned 35, so that’s good enough for me.

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The Transformation is Complete

July 4, 2008

I came to the Rangers in 2000.  It took me 4 years to completely wipe out any reminder of my predecessor.  In fact I don’t even remember his name, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t a Hall of Famer like The Generalissimo! Dumping Brian Leetch on the Maple Leafs in 2004 for a bunch of people no one has ever heard was obviously a big turning point.

But even The Generalissimo gets taken by surprise once in a while.  Who knew that a 4th-line punk named Sean Avery would come in and actually have as big an impact as he did?  So I started to push him out the door by calling him a “detriment” to the team in an arbitration hearing.  The final step came this week, when I all but forced him out by offering him under market value terms, while adding insult to injury by happily throwing money around at Redden and Rosival.  But I’ll let you in on a little secret – if Avery had been willing to accept less than market value – accept The Generalissimo’s terms – then I might have let him come back.  But he didn’t, so he’s gone.

That brings us to Jagr.  I’ll admit that I was taken by surprise with Jagr too.  I never expected him to play as well as he did after the lockout – which is why I only agreed to pay half his salary when I traded for him.  But I knew that if he exceeded the expecations, The Generalissimo would come off looking smart again, so there really was no downside.  Except, unlike in Washington, the fans, and more importantly the local media, actually took to liking Jagr.  Almost overnight, this became Jagr’s Team – he even broke the team’s single season scoring records!

The Generalissimo could not have that.  Dumping Nylander, and signing Gomez was a brilliant move.  Gomez looked like he would be a good match for Jagr to the uninformed, but The Generalissimo knew better!  I knew that Jagr and Gomez would struggle to find enough puck to go around, and sure enough that’s what happened.  So Jagr’s numbers dropped, he failed to trigger his automatic one-year extension, and voila, he’s gone.

That’s what makes The Generalissimo so great – even when I’m caught off guard by surprise, I react better than normal GMs.

So let’s all raise a glass in celebration.  It took 8 years, but now this is finally The Generalissimo’s team.

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Jagr. What’s his deal???

July 3, 2008

Czech this out – I can’t figure out this Jagr thing.  He apparently doesn’t want a one-year term, when that’s what I’ve determined is best for him.  Look, I could offer him two years, but he would be 37 at the end of that.  And we all know that there’s no room on this team for a 37-year old European superstar!

(BTW – Mats – take your time.  No need to rush.  Maybe we can catch up in late July for some fishing.)

Ok, back to Jagr.  Look, we all know he’s moody.  We all know he can put it on autopilot some games.  And we all know he played hard for this team in the playoffs.  But I’m tired of hearing about how this is Jagr’s team.  Its not.  Its The Generalissimo’s team! Heck, he only got half his salary from us anyway, so who was he reeely playing for??

Look, I’m not going to sit on my butt all summer vacationing.  Ok, I am, but still, if Jagr wants to come back at a reasonable price (I do have a those gift cards to Men’s Warehouse still) we might be able to work something out.  But he better make a decision soon – cause now I’ve picked up Nikolai Zherdev.  So I’ve got my “moody enigmatic defensively-challenged European” hole filled.

I think most fans will be happy with the Zherdev trade.  Tyutin just never seemed to take that next step, and Christan Backman – well those “Backman Turner Overdrive” puns get old real fast. As I mentioned to the Daily News, “we’re trying to get younger, we’re tying to get more talented and we’re trying to get faster…if you look around the league, that’s the way the league is going. It’s not necessarily going with guys that are 35 and up.”

(This statement wouldn’t apply to you Mats)

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Players Acquired: 6. Cigars Smoked: 14

July 3, 2008

It’s been a busy couple of days for The Generalissimo.  Most importantly, I managed to steal Wade Redden from at least 3 other teams, and I only had to pay $6.5 mil per year, for 6 years, to do it.  Might seem like a lot for a player who had a down season last year (and considering that Lidstrom is only locked up for $7.6 mil per year, and Brian Campbell signed for $7 mil per year).  But as I told the media, we all know that Wade is the best first-passer in the game today (because I said he is!).

And let’s all give me a round of applause for locking up Michal Rozsival for $20 mil over 4 years.  $5 mil is a great deal for a No. 3/4 defensemen, especially one who, in a phone interview with Newsday, admitted that no other teams really pursued him. As Rosival himself said, this is a “great organization, great front office.”  He’s talking about me, people.

Have to admit, I’m surprised Avery signed with Dallas.  Kinda hard to believe he chose to take $15.5 mil over 4 years, when we offered a better package – $2.5 mil per year, a $200 gift card to Men’s Warehouse, and front-row tickets to all the Project Runway finales (OT: Rami was totally screwed LOL!).  Sure the foolish Rangers’ fans will say I let a key cog slip away, but I picked up three other guys that can replace him.  Think of it this way – I got lucky getting Sean Avery, but  he was only 1 guy!  This is 3 guys, who combined should have 3 times the impact!  You don’t have to be in the Hall of Fame, like I am, to do simple math!

ALL HAIL THE GENERALISSIMO!

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